Take my life and let it be

A nice package

I am finished trying to make sense out of my life. The things I missed.LIFE

I am trying to make a nice package out of the ruins but I am overwhelmed. I have so many things that I feel I need to make to make up for the years lost but I am getting confused. There are so many blankets I started, sweaters, cross titch, drawings. I know that many people start a project and don't finish them but for me it is a race, I have to show something created to prove I lived not existed.

I am trying to reach God. Many times I remember He has been there, so many answered prayer that really needed to be seen as if they had not I wouldn't have been able to continue living. My cup overflows but it is pain that is pouring out, why so much? What is the purpose? It is not doing anybody any good! Not me, not my children.

I am sure my blogging if anyone is reading at all, it must look pretty screwed up, but from my side of the fence it is a major nightmare. If God is in control I no longer see it.

I just want to have a few years in my life of feeling normal,all this mess isn't even my fault!

Thoughts of ending it have entered my mind. I have to quickly get rid of the thought as I am afraid I might just go ahead!

I just don't get it. It is a tragedy that God allows this because it has done no one any good. My dreams of Africa, being a nurse, caring for people, ain't happening.

So I ask God, show me what you want! Do you want me to do chores? For whoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it. So Lord, I give my life up for you. Please help me find the life, help me to search for it with an excitement. Not doing what I have seen over the many years. Dear God and then the praise you Jesus over and over again. No not that! lead the way because I can't do it alone. I give it all to you. Speak to me Lord your servant is listening. I lay it all down.